The Decision to Divorce
It takes some people a long and arduous time before the word 'divorce' can even be said out loud, while others may say it frequently and loudly. The word may be used as a sword or out of anger, or perhaps as a means of control. Each relationship is different and has its own complexities. As a result, each divorce is as unique as the individuals involved. The 'individuals involved' may also include parents, siblings and at times, one or more new dating partners. These individuals may add yet another layer of complexity and potential challenges, or they may be extraordinary support. The question of whether to seek out a divorce is very emotional, and many times complicated due to financial circumstances. The decision can also present significant challenges, if children are involved. Thus, the “right” decision is not always clear, and may prove exceedingly elusive.
Divorce is extremely difficult for many people. There are those that seem to have worked through the emotions without much trouble and are ready and willing to divide the property and debts and move on with their lives. Those individuals also tend to expect or want their spouse to do the same because they began detaching from their spouse before the divorce process began. Your spouse may not have started to detach when you did, and may or may not be equipped with the personal skills to meet these challenges in an appropriate and healthy fashion. Ninety percent of our clients express a genuine desire for "this -- the divorce process--to be easy.” Wanting it to be easy for everyone involved doesn't always make it happen that way. There are some very strong emotions that can be triggered when you least expect them and it can be difficult to handle these times with grace and dignity. Moreover, the civil court system is not able to control people’s behaviors. The unfortunate truth is that good people will at times behave badly when under great stress.
There is no such thing as a “typical divorce”. Many factors affect you at each stage of a divorce and each divorce is very different. Every aspect of your life may be influenced; you may begin questioning your own values and beliefs, your spirituality may be challenged, and your finances may be stretched or depleted. The dynamics of your relationships with your extended family may also be altered, and you may ride an emotional roller coaster, with no idea where or when the next free fall will occur. Our firm understands these dynamics and complexities, and we are here to help guide you through the process with the knowledge, experience and understanding necessary to meet your needs and the challenges that may lie ahead.
Certainly, some divorce cases are in fact quick, easy and amicable. While this is definitely the best case scenario, such cases are in the minority. Experience demonstrates that the best approach is to develop a plan that protects you and provides the best possible plan for the children, in the event that an adversarial avenue is required.
Many clients tell us that they want to protect themselves and their interests, but at the same time they want to know that they have tried everything to make the marriage work. These two concerns can be difficult to balance. It is not our role to tell you whether or when you should or should not get a divorce. However, we can provide some recommendations as you go through the decision-making process.
After 20 or 30 years of marriage, some of our clients say that they made the decision years earlier, but were waiting until the kids were grown. At some point they endured years of an unhappy marriage (all the time role modeling for their children), only to wait until the last child graduates high school. In our years of working with divorcing families, what we have seen is that adult children have as much difficulty or more with their parents getting a divorce that younger or adolescent children have in that situation. Children must be considered in the equation. However, it cannot automatically be assumed that they will be happier or better equipped to reach adulthood as healthy, productive members of society if their parents stay together unhappily. This is particularly true when the divorce has simply been on hold for 10 years or more. Moreover, everyone deserves to be happy. Again, let us emphasize that it is not our role to encourage your decision on way or another about filing for a divorce proceeding.
If you are seriously thinking about getting a divorce, we do have some suggestions. First, protect your assets and protect yourself from increasing debt, especially in this economy. As soon as you think you might want a divorce, schedule an appointment with an attorney to discuss what can be done while you make the decision, to ensure that you are not unwittingly exposing yourself, financially or otherwise, during the period of time that you are contemplating a divorce. In cases where domestic violence or stalking is a possibility safety plans need to be developed. Additionally, think about your support system. If you don’t have a support system, work on building one before you make the decision to file. (Ben Franklin’s adage, “an ounce of preservation is worth a pound of cure” is very good advice for those in a divorce process.)
Second, seek out professional counseling. Few people are enthusiastic about securing the assistance of a professional therapist. Some people believe that they don’t need that kind of help, because they think it is an indication that they are broken or are not very smart. Some procrastinate about counseling because it is just hard work and can be uncomfortable. Others are reluctant to seek counseling because they believe the counselor will try to change their minds about their decision to divorce. However, it is often critical to putting things back together, or to knowing if divorce is even the “right’ decision.
Obviously, if you are not sure about the decision to divorce, you will want to know that you did everything that you could to “save” the marriage, and for that purpose, counseling is a very necessary step. Before a problem can be fixed, the issues in the marriage need to be identified and then dealt with in a safe and appropriate environment. That is why professional assistance to navigate through the emotional minefields is highly suggested. What are the issues in the marriage? Is it substance use, such as drugs or alcohol? Are there mental health problems or does your spouse say that you have mental health issues? Are there old resentments built up from not being able to deal with those issues originally in a healthy way, such as an affair? Is there a financial problem where one partner is a spender and the other is a saver? Is there a lack of communication? Is it that you don’t enjoy doing the same things anymore? Is it a combination of several issues? Is there just something missing, and you’re not sure what it is, but you know you’re not happy and haven’t been for some time? All of these issues are commonly dealt with by experienced, qualified therapists who work with couples. We have heard many times from therapists that marital therapy is hard work, for both the therapist and the couple. Therefore, you should choose a therapist just as carefully as you choose your attorney. We have worked with many therapists, and can give you a referral based on the specific issues in your relationship.
Even if you are certain that the marriage is not salvageable, there are some strategic reasons from a legal standpoint that would make seeing a professional therapist a good idea. (This issue can be contemplated whether to file for divorce.) Additionally, counseling can assist people in talking about the process of divorce with their partner. That may make the discussion about property, children and other matters less frustrating and more productive for both parties.
Third, there are many good books that can help you sort though the jumble of emotions and concerns that come along with the decision to divorce. Our recommended reading list includes these titles:
1. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - by Mira Kirschenbaum
2. How to Know if it’s time to Go - by Dr. Lawrence Birnback and Dr. Beverly Hyman
3. Secret Lovers - by Dr. Luann Linquist (a book specifically about extramarital affairs)
Making the decision to divorce can take days or years. However long you need to think about it, or discuss it, we want you to feel comfortable asking us questions and consulting with us at every step along the way. Throughout the process, our primary focus will always be your best interest.
Divorce is extremely difficult for many people. There are those that seem to have worked through the emotions without much trouble and are ready and willing to divide the property and debts and move on with their lives. Those individuals also tend to expect or want their spouse to do the same because they began detaching from their spouse before the divorce process began. Your spouse may not have started to detach when you did, and may or may not be equipped with the personal skills to meet these challenges in an appropriate and healthy fashion. Ninety percent of our clients express a genuine desire for "this -- the divorce process--to be easy.” Wanting it to be easy for everyone involved doesn't always make it happen that way. There are some very strong emotions that can be triggered when you least expect them and it can be difficult to handle these times with grace and dignity. Moreover, the civil court system is not able to control people’s behaviors. The unfortunate truth is that good people will at times behave badly when under great stress.
There is no such thing as a “typical divorce”. Many factors affect you at each stage of a divorce and each divorce is very different. Every aspect of your life may be influenced; you may begin questioning your own values and beliefs, your spirituality may be challenged, and your finances may be stretched or depleted. The dynamics of your relationships with your extended family may also be altered, and you may ride an emotional roller coaster, with no idea where or when the next free fall will occur. Our firm understands these dynamics and complexities, and we are here to help guide you through the process with the knowledge, experience and understanding necessary to meet your needs and the challenges that may lie ahead.
Certainly, some divorce cases are in fact quick, easy and amicable. While this is definitely the best case scenario, such cases are in the minority. Experience demonstrates that the best approach is to develop a plan that protects you and provides the best possible plan for the children, in the event that an adversarial avenue is required.
Many clients tell us that they want to protect themselves and their interests, but at the same time they want to know that they have tried everything to make the marriage work. These two concerns can be difficult to balance. It is not our role to tell you whether or when you should or should not get a divorce. However, we can provide some recommendations as you go through the decision-making process.
After 20 or 30 years of marriage, some of our clients say that they made the decision years earlier, but were waiting until the kids were grown. At some point they endured years of an unhappy marriage (all the time role modeling for their children), only to wait until the last child graduates high school. In our years of working with divorcing families, what we have seen is that adult children have as much difficulty or more with their parents getting a divorce that younger or adolescent children have in that situation. Children must be considered in the equation. However, it cannot automatically be assumed that they will be happier or better equipped to reach adulthood as healthy, productive members of society if their parents stay together unhappily. This is particularly true when the divorce has simply been on hold for 10 years or more. Moreover, everyone deserves to be happy. Again, let us emphasize that it is not our role to encourage your decision on way or another about filing for a divorce proceeding.
If you are seriously thinking about getting a divorce, we do have some suggestions. First, protect your assets and protect yourself from increasing debt, especially in this economy. As soon as you think you might want a divorce, schedule an appointment with an attorney to discuss what can be done while you make the decision, to ensure that you are not unwittingly exposing yourself, financially or otherwise, during the period of time that you are contemplating a divorce. In cases where domestic violence or stalking is a possibility safety plans need to be developed. Additionally, think about your support system. If you don’t have a support system, work on building one before you make the decision to file. (Ben Franklin’s adage, “an ounce of preservation is worth a pound of cure” is very good advice for those in a divorce process.)
Second, seek out professional counseling. Few people are enthusiastic about securing the assistance of a professional therapist. Some people believe that they don’t need that kind of help, because they think it is an indication that they are broken or are not very smart. Some procrastinate about counseling because it is just hard work and can be uncomfortable. Others are reluctant to seek counseling because they believe the counselor will try to change their minds about their decision to divorce. However, it is often critical to putting things back together, or to knowing if divorce is even the “right’ decision.
Obviously, if you are not sure about the decision to divorce, you will want to know that you did everything that you could to “save” the marriage, and for that purpose, counseling is a very necessary step. Before a problem can be fixed, the issues in the marriage need to be identified and then dealt with in a safe and appropriate environment. That is why professional assistance to navigate through the emotional minefields is highly suggested. What are the issues in the marriage? Is it substance use, such as drugs or alcohol? Are there mental health problems or does your spouse say that you have mental health issues? Are there old resentments built up from not being able to deal with those issues originally in a healthy way, such as an affair? Is there a financial problem where one partner is a spender and the other is a saver? Is there a lack of communication? Is it that you don’t enjoy doing the same things anymore? Is it a combination of several issues? Is there just something missing, and you’re not sure what it is, but you know you’re not happy and haven’t been for some time? All of these issues are commonly dealt with by experienced, qualified therapists who work with couples. We have heard many times from therapists that marital therapy is hard work, for both the therapist and the couple. Therefore, you should choose a therapist just as carefully as you choose your attorney. We have worked with many therapists, and can give you a referral based on the specific issues in your relationship.
Even if you are certain that the marriage is not salvageable, there are some strategic reasons from a legal standpoint that would make seeing a professional therapist a good idea. (This issue can be contemplated whether to file for divorce.) Additionally, counseling can assist people in talking about the process of divorce with their partner. That may make the discussion about property, children and other matters less frustrating and more productive for both parties.
Third, there are many good books that can help you sort though the jumble of emotions and concerns that come along with the decision to divorce. Our recommended reading list includes these titles:
1. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - by Mira Kirschenbaum
2. How to Know if it’s time to Go - by Dr. Lawrence Birnback and Dr. Beverly Hyman
3. Secret Lovers - by Dr. Luann Linquist (a book specifically about extramarital affairs)
Making the decision to divorce can take days or years. However long you need to think about it, or discuss it, we want you to feel comfortable asking us questions and consulting with us at every step along the way. Throughout the process, our primary focus will always be your best interest.
